Don't wear black
by uhohitslindsay
Summary: A funeral filled mind? Check. A couple in love? Check. A boy with an addiction? Check. A girl caught in the middle? Check. AU
1. Chapter 1

Mmkay, so this folks is going to be completely crazy and might not make sense.. 99% of the time, but I promise I've got a plan all worked out in my head. It's pretty AU, Brooke and Nathan are in love, Peyton's a suicidal wreck, Lucas is on drugs, and poor Haley is in the center of the madness. There all friends, but really, how long can that last? I really hope I can manage to make sense of this ridiculous idea that arrived in my mind in a half asleep daze. Oh, I don't own anything. It all belongs to the creators, you know who.

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_In the desert sun I watched my nerves come undone.  
One by one my strings they tangled into knots.  
And ever since that day, deep in Santa Fe.  
I've learned to hate myself for giving everything away._

Peyton:

There was this song, my mom used to sing it to me constantly when I was little, I don't remember the words exactly but I know the tune by heart. When things get bad, which lately, has been every day of my shitty life, I hum it and I can feel the pain lessen, it works _every_ time. But it's not tonight, my ass planted to the bathroom floor tears streaming down my face and me humming a song I don't even know the words to, and it's not working.

I've got funerals on my mind instead. I remember the walk into my moms the people, oh the people, being hugged, kissed, told "I'm sorry." By so many different people, all with the sad look in their eyes, and all wearing black. I looked over at Brooke, "Don't wear black to mine." She got it.

Brooke:

Okay, going up a massive flight of stairs in heels with like twenty shopping bags? So not a good idea let me tell you. I realize when I get to the door of my apartment that my keys, are located safely in my purse, which by the way I can't even see between all the bags filling my arms. Plan b, I take my elbow and start banging it on the door as hard as it'll let me. "Haleeeeeeeeeey!" I hear a noise inside, which kind of sounds a bit like stomping, I guess she was sleeping. Oops.

"Brooke, how do you always manage to forget your keys?" She's asking it before she even gets the door open, "I didn't! I just.. can't reach them." I shake the shopping bags a little, just for emphasis. She shakes her head at me and yawns, "And what has you so sleepy tonight? It's what 9:30?" She gives me a sarcastic look and I know what's coming, "Well some of us actually had to work today. Oh, yeah, me." She smiles a little, "Need any help?" I shake my head, I know all she really wants is to go to bed. "No. Go to bed, sleepyhead!"

She shuffles back to her bedroom slowly. I scoop up my bags and take them to my room throwing them in front of the closet door, too lazy to even bother with it all tonight. Sleep _really_ doesn't sound so bad.

Peyton:

Sitting on the bathroom floor is not the thing I advise anyone thats losing their mind to do, it's cold, and you start to realize after about five minutes how pathetic your being, which when your losing your mind isn't such a good idea. But I still don't get up. Humming my song and just hoping so damn much I actually can't focus on anything else. I want the damn song to work its magic so I can sleep it all away. But it doesn't, of course, all good things come to an end. Story of my life.

Two dead moms? Check. Dad who's been in and out of your life since you we're 15? Check. Boy whom you fall in love with only for him to decide to shatter your heart? Check. Boy you could have fell in love with, having a drug habit and a one track mind? Check. You get it, my life's an endless check list of what went wrong, what could have, should have, and even would have been. Which brings me to the question my mind hasn't been able to avoid for long lately, why the hell do I bother? It's not as if there's anyone who needs me in their life, Brooke would be heart broken, sure, but she'd eventually be okay. Same for Haley. Lucas would just drug himself into a state of unawareness, just like every other night. And Jake? Well he'd had his chance.

I get up my whole entire body weak and shakey, I open the cabinet and grab what I'm searching for. According to the nightmares I've been having I haven't really been _living_ anyways. So why not make it final?

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Please review dears !


	2. Stay, don't go

In my head, this chapter was much, much longer.. but it really didn't end up working out that way. I had to get this chapter out of the way though, as you'll see in the end.. almost everything is connected to it. Oh, my, I guess this is a big one.. you'll see what ship I'm going with in the whole B/L/P triangle this chapter, so maybe it's not as useless as it seems..

A big ole' thank you to anyone who's been reading this. It totally makes me smile. Merry Christmas, dears!

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_And your slowly shaking finger tips  
Show that your scared like me so  
Let's pretend we're alone  
And I know you may be scared  
And I know we're unprepared  
But I don't care_

Peyton:

Peyton Sawyer, I used to be different. A big mess, yeah, but not like this. I'm pathetic now, lying on the floor of my bathroom, crying tears I didn't even know I had. The movies really give you a false sense of death, my life wasn't flashing before my eyes,the only thought in my head was the fact that my last few minutes were gonna be spent on the floor of my bathroom staring at a big ball of dust in the corner of my bathroom crying. Oh yeah, and death isn't quick or dramatic either. I swear I've been laying on this damn floor for the duration of a record, or maybe its just the death talking. I can't keep myself from thinking of all the things that could have prevented this, all of this. So maybe your life does flash before your eyes, figures mine would be depressing.

Two weeks ago:

"PEYTON MARIE SAWYER! I know your there! If you don't pick up this phone I'm coming over there.. Okay, have it your way then." Brooke. I wanted to tell her everything to unload my latest troubles on to her but I couldn't. What kind of friend are you if you ruin your friends happiness just to feel a little bit of relief for yourself? Exactly so I didn't say a word that day, I had the chance, but I chose to be silent. Mistake number one.

Brooke was at my house within five minutes, I cringed at all the speeding limits she must have ignored, kind of funny that _I_ was worried about _her_ speeding, considering my track record of running red lights. I heard the pounding of her stomping up the steps, "If your trying to hide out maybe you should lock the door!" She comes to a stop in my doorway, "Peyton, seriously, I've been calling for the past two days and you can't answer? What's going on with you?" She walks over slowly and sits down on my bed, she looks so much like a concerned mom I can't keep the smile from my face. Instead of relief covering her features she looks even more alarmed, "Peyton?" I run my hands through my hair, "I'm fine, Brooke, really. I just needed a few days to myself, to just.. think about things." She looks at me, "What are you leaving out?" She knew me a little too well, in times like this it was hell, "Brooke, really, I'm _fine_. I just needed to.. escape from the world for a couple days. Thats it." She stares at me intently, I guess deciding it's best not to push me anymore because she doesn't say anything else. "Well, now that your _fine_, I'm taking you out. We'll go shopping or just walk around or something.. anything to get you out of this damn house. So go shower, you stink!"

I knew telling her no would do more harm than good, so I got up and listened to her. That was the day I gave up.

Lucas:

I hadn't left my bed in over two days, I hadn't slept in three. I know this because all I've done is stare at the clock with my unfocused mind since I took up location here. The only time I've even bothered to move is to take a piss and a couple times to quinch the thirst that was driving me nuts with a glass of water. I've been in such a haze any more than that would be more of a struggle than I was interested in dealing with. Lucas Scott, once a basketball player destined to make something out of his life, _anything_. Now took up location in his bed for days. What a screw up I'd become. I started laughing a bitter noise coming from my mouth, one I've come to recognize these past few months quite well.

I grabbed a photo album from the nightstand beside my bed flipping through the pages looking at everything I'd lost, my mother, uncle Keith, bastetball, Brooke, Nathan, and Peyton. And they actually questioned why I did the drugs? I fount a picture of me and Peyton, it was old but it somehow managed to bring a smile to my face, something my brain couldn't really process so it disappeared as quickly as it arrived. Peyton and I, bound by tragedy. Things hadn't exactly been great between us lately, but that wasn't going to stop me tonight. I had to see her, talk to her, I _needed_ her.

I stumbled from my bed, too determined to even bother to change clothes I stumbled through the empty house, staring at the stark rooms as I grabbed for the keys. I stumbled to the car, if I did anything tonight I was going to make sure I fixed things with Peyton. I just needed to make a stop first, my haze was starting to drift away.. and I wasn't ready to risk the feelings that would crash into me when that happened.

_If you leave me tonight,  
I'll wake up alone,  
Don't tell me I will make it on my own.  
Don't leave me tonight._

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Please review, _good _or _bad_ !


	3. Like the choking in my throat

You know, I actually tried really hard to hold out for a few days and not post a chapter.. but I seriously can't help myself. So, my dears, consider it a Christmas present, especially to those beloveds who reviewed, which totally made me smile! You guys, I hope you bear with me, I know its all moving so, _so_ slow. But I'm such a detail whore, so I won't bother to promise I'll speed things up.

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_Swirling shades of blue  
Slow dancing in your eyes  
The sun kisses the earth  
And I hush my urge to cry_

_'Cause I hear the whispered words  
In your masterpiece beautiful  
You speak the unspeakable through  
I love you too._

Brooke:

There's two simple things I really hate, hospitals and being cut off when I'm shopping. Seated in the waiting of this dingy hospital at 3 am is quite possibly my worst nightmare. My stomach was full of butterflies attacking my insides, brutally I should add. And in that moment there was only one thing I could be certain of, I was going to throw up. Nathan grabbed a hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze, that did it. The tears I'd been able to hold in over the past hour streamed down my face with such a force they shake my whole body. He hesitated for the briefest of seconds obviously a little taken back with my display, he gained his bearings quickly though and grabed a hold of me tightly, wiping my tears with the edge of his thumb. All that did was make me cry harder. Peyton, oh, _Peyton_.

One hour ago:

Saying I sleep like the dead isn't a stretch. My phone went off three times before I heard Haley scream from down the hall "BROOKE! Answer your damn phone!" I moaned in irritation, and reached over and grabbed my cellphone, mentally cursing whoever is so insistent at this time of hour. Lucas. Just great. I'd be stuck listening to his drug induced rants for the next hour, sleep obviously was not in my future. I hit redial and pushed the phone to my ear, literally after the first ring I heard his voice, groggy and slurred, but it didn't change what he said. I heard that pretty damn clear. "Brooke, its Peyton. It's so bad, Brooke."

I wanted to say so many things, "So bad?! What's wrong? TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!" But my mouth wouldn't move. "We're at the hospital." The phone dropped from my hand so quickly I didn't even realize it was gone. I moved towards Haley's room in slow motion, I pushed her door open begging my mouth to work. "Haley.. Peyton, its Peyton." She sat up quickly jumping out of bed, not pausing once she grabbed her purse and my hand and we we're gone. It kind of unnerved me, as if she expected all of this. But maybe what was really so wrong was that _I_ did too.

My eye's were dry. I didn't cry, I refused to let myself give into the temptation of losing it, because that would be me giving up on Peyton. Tears would not be necessary, she was gonna be fine. It was Peyton after all, my Peyton. Even when I took Haley's phone and dialed Nathan I was able to keep my facade of composure somewhat going, not able to say more than,"Its Peyton, Nathan. I need you at the hospital." He didn't ask questions, sleep heavy on his voice he responded quickly, "I'll be there."

And that was that. I was on my way to the hospital, unsure of what I would fine. Just positive my heart couldn't handle what my mind was telling me. She _had_ to be okay, I wasn't settling for any other outcome.

Lucas:

The nurses walked past me sitting in the waiting room more than necessary, I was clear headed enough to know that. And that was a problem, I couldn't handle _any_ of this with a clear head. My hands we're shaking and my breathing was uneasy. Where was Brooke? I had to get out of here.

Haley:

Brooke was silent in the passenger seat her hands clasped tightly together in her lap, my hands gripped the steering so tight that my knuckles we're white. The guilt that was filling me brought tears to my eyes, we all knew that there was something wrong with Peyton, and I knew whatever had happened tonight had been at her own hands, and her own friends didn't make more than a half-hearted attempt to prevent it. I choked out a sob, unable to contain it in. Brooke didn't move. How do you be okay with the fact that something horrible has just happened to your best friend and you know that your to blame? You _don't_. So I cried, my hands gripping the steering wheel, feeling down into my gut that everything was so wrong, and had been for so long that we'd all grown used to ignoring it. How did we get here?

I turned into the hospital, and took a deep breath.

Brooke:

The car was barely in park before we both had our feet hitting the pavement quickly, we didn't make it to the fifth floor fast enough to satisfy me, especially after the woman's words that the fifth floor was for the, "Seriously critical, and visiting hours are over still until 6:30". We got to the waiting room and immediately my eyes fount Lucas, sitting, if that's what you could even call what he was doing, his hands were shaking and moving all over the place. I knew these movements. My heart broke.

He spotted us and his eyes widened, he jumped up his movements jumpy. "I, I.. _had _to talk to her.. tonight, Brooke." He ran his hands through his hair nervously, tugging on it, "I fount her on the bathroom floor.. I just.. I called them." He moved his hand around the waiting room distractedly, "Luke, have they told you anything since you got here? Is she gonna be okay?" Haley sounded so tiny and scared, _Haley_ was scared? The tears were getting harder to hold in now. "She was so weak, Hales. I was so scared." She moved towards him quickly grabbing a hold of his face, "Is she going to be okay, Luke?" His eyes darted around the room, "They don't know. They don't know anything." He made a move to jerk out of her grip, "I've gotta go you guys.. I'll.. I'll come back later."

Haley looked at him and it broke my heart just a little bit more, she looked so defeated and alone. Everything was falling apart and we weren't able to lie to ourselves anymore. It was _all_ out there, in the open suffocating us. I needed Nathan.

Nathan:

"I hurried as fast as I could, Brooke." I sat down in the chair next to her, I was nervous as hell by the expressions on their faces. "They don't know if she's gonna be okay." Haley's voice startled me out of the trance that Brooke's face had put me into, I rubbed my hands across my face. I was almost afraid to ask but I had to, I had to know, "What happened?" Brooke looked at me sadly, "She did it." Further explanations weren't really needed, I knew what she meant.

I had never seen Brooke look so broken and isolated, I grabbed a hold of her hand and she burst into tears. I didn't know what to do and I hated myself for that, I did the only thing I could think of and I grabbed a hold of her and wiped the tears from her eyes. I wasn't good with all of this. But, really, I don't think a damn one of us were, hiding from the shit in your life tends to do it to you. The only thing I was even sure of in that moment was that we were all gonna fight like hell to get everything back. We _could_ do that.


	4. Hold on

Oh, a big, _big _thank you to everyone who's been reading, especially my reviewers, whom I love!

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And you'll look at me  
with eyes that see  
And melt into each other's arms  
And so I come to be the one  
who's always standing next to you

Reach out for me  
So I can be the one  
who's always reaching out for you  
Yes I will, yes I will

Lucas:

I used to have a life, a damn good one at that. Last summer, was _it_. I had it all. Brooke and I were together and happier than I ever thought possible, I had a growing relationship with my brother, I had Haley on my side, Peyton had slowly became a part of my life, and my mom and Keith had finally figured out what we'd all known all along, they we're in love. They got engaged a month before it all changed. I'd never seen my mom happier. I used to smile looking back on it all, but now I look around at what I've _become_, and what I _have_ and no smile appears on my face. It's pathetic and I hate the person I've become, but its clear for all to see there's no changing.  
I left the man's house who helped keep it all away and started my walk home just the way I liked it, I was numbed and wasn't aware of all the shit wrong in this life of mine.

"Lucas!" The energetic sound of someones voice startled me and I turned around, some guy I used to be on the team with, and just when I thought my night was getting better. "Hey, Lucas, man.. it's been forever, how've you been?!" He came up to me standing there staring, expecting a reply, I knew how to respond to what was expected. I'd gotten good at pretending, "Ah.. you know.. the same." I tried to smile a little, just wanting him to go away. "Yeah, yeah, I know all about that." He looked down, "I heard about your mom and Keith, man, I wanted to.. say something back then but I didn't know." That was all I needed, I was out of here, "It's cool.. Ah don't even worry about. Look, man, I need.. to go, I've got some.. places to be." He nodded a little, "Good seeing you." I'd said all I was able to in that short amount of time so I walked off.

Peyton hadn't left my mind this time around, I thought I had numbed myself enough to not be aware of _anything_. But there she was stuck in my head, _never_ leaving. In a perfect world I'd be there for her, holding her hand. But it wasn't, so I won't.

One year and thirty one days ago:

"How do I look?" I had glanced up from Brooke to look at my mom, it still surprised me sometimes to see that look in her eyes, I had never seen her look _that_ happy. Brooke jumped up, thrilled, "KAREN!! You look _beautiful!"_ I shook my head a little and smiled, "You look great, mom." Her face lit up, "I hope so. Tonight's a very special night." Brooke had been so excited by that simple statement, "He's gonna propose, I just know it." I hoped that was true. They'd been waiting around too long for the right moment, putting their lives on hold. I really hoped things would all change tonight. A light tap on the door was her signal she smiled a nervous smile, Brooke leaned in and whispered something in her ear, and with that she gave a little wave to the both of us and she was off. Leaving me and Brooke, that moment was _everything_ I could ask for.

Peyton:

I knew I was in a hospital before I'd even opened my eyes, the stiff sheets and uncomfortable bed, oh and the incessant beeping was a dead giveaway. I opened my eyes and the abundance of white burned them. That's when the pain started, my head felt as if hammers we're being smashed into it from all sides. A nurse walked in, her brightly colored uniform burning my eyes even farther. "Oh, your awake." She didn't smile, that's the first thing I noticed, "Now that you're awake the therapist is going to want to come up here and talk to you." She scribbled something onto the clipboard she was carrying and all I could think about was that my head felt like it was about to explode. "I need water." My raspy voice startled me, but she simply nodded her head and walked out of the room. I never did get the damn water. But I did get the visit from the therapist, she told me the news that I was trapped in the psych ward for the next five days, but that was really just depending, it could of course be longer. "Can I have visitors?" She looked at me with sympathy in her eyes, I _hated_ that damn look. "Not right now, no. You need to put full focus into getting _better_, everything else will fall into place."

Haley:

Brooke and Nathan we're both asleep in the chairs next to me. I wished I was. A woman in a white coat walked out of the doors nearest us, "The family of Peyton Sawyer?" I raised my hand a little, she walked over to us and sat down, "We haven't been able to get a hold of Miss Sawyer's father, do you have any idea how we could?" I didn't of course, none of us did. "No, he works on a boat.. he's off to sea a lot." She nodded her head, "Miss Sawyer will have to stay in the psychiatric ward for the next five days, possibly longer. She's going to be undergoing a series of mental health tests. This is not going to be an easy recovery." I wanted to cry for Peyton, I wanted to go back and fix it all for her. But we couldn't do that now. "Can we see her?" She shook her head slowly, "Not at this time, no. She needs to focus _solely_ on her recovery." I nodded as if I understood why being surrounded by her friends would prevent her from recovering. "I'm Dr. Williams, if you have any questions, I'll try my best to provide you with an answer. Be sure to just let me know." She smiled and walked off. Just that simply.

Brooke:

Hearing your best friend is trapped in a psych ward and you can't see her, can't tell her you love her and promise to do everything you can to help her get better, that's one of the hardest thing's you can hear. Trust me. I had heard those words spoken to me over an hour ago and I still couldn't comprehend the whole situation. I just wanted my PSawyer back. I wanted to know that everything was gonna work out for her, that we could just go back to last summer before things got so bad. But that wasn't happening so instead I wrapped my arms around Nathan and prayed for it all to go away. In the safety of his arms I felt as if maybe it all would, maybe I'd wake up and this will have all been a horrible nightmare. _Maybe._

Save your soul  
Before you're too far gone  
Before nothing can be done


	5. I feel unsafe

This chapter's kind of like my kid, translation? I'm pretty damn proud of it. Oh and its got a little treat for _you_ guys too, its a little bit longer.

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Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small  
and needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Seven days later:  
Brooke:

I was a nervous wreck, not only had I already dropped my keys twice out to the car but I had watched my purse tumble down the stairs too. I was beginning to think that taking Nathan up on his offer to drive was a bright idea. Here I was on my way to pick up, Peyton and I was the nervous one. _Everyone_ had wanted to go along, but I knew that this was something I needed to do alone. I mostly didn't want to admit to anyone that I was scared of what I would find, she'd been forced into staying for two extra days and none of us had seen her. I kept telling myself if they we're releasing her she had to at least be doing _okay_, but I couldn't get that night out of my mind, sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting to hear if she was going to even make it through the _night_? It was all too much, and it almost clouded my excitement to have her back.

I wanted to fast forward a few weeks to a time when things were good again. But really, I'd probably have to fast forward a hell of a lot more than a few weeks for things to ever be _okay_, let alone good. I pulled into the hospital parking lot and I felt like my heart was sitting on the floor of my car, barely beating. I forced myself to get out and walk up to her floor.

I signed what they put in front of me all in a haze, and there she was. Carrying a little plastic bag at her side. I didn't know what to do, I was scared to death of doing the wrong thing. Saying the wrong thing, but I couldn't hold myself back I walked up to her a tear slipping from my eye and grabbed a hold of her wrapping my arms around her as tightly as I could. "Oh, Peyton, honey." She looked so scared and timid, I wasn't used to seeing her look so _fragile_. She looked down at the floor and it almost broke my heart to hear her voice, small and defeated, "Can we please get out of here?" I smiled at her and wrapped my arm around her tightly and led her out of there. I was going to do everything possible to make sure she was okay, to make sure she got through this. I had to.

Peyton:

Seeing Brooke almost made everything okay. She looked so freaked out, her face mirroring my thoughts exactly. My stay in that hospital will be something that will always be there in my mind. The fear I felt had _nothing_ to do with where I was but with the thought that I didn't have a choice but to get my life.. going again, and it had been offtrack and wrong for so long I didn't even know if I was capable of that anymore. I wasn't the Peyton Sawyer everyone knew any longer and if I believed my new "therapist" I never would be, but acceptance of that and realization that I could mold myself into the person that I've always been meant to be was all a part of the healing process. I had tried to act as if I knew exactly what she meant by that, but I didn't. I don't have a damn clue how to accept the fact that the person I once was is now gone, and that now I not only have to figure out who I am all over again, but I have to learn to live again. And she wondered why I attempted suicide.

As we got into Brooke's car she looked over at me, "I brought some of your stuff over to the apartment.. I just didn't think you'd want to be alone." I nodded, I knew what that was all about. Obviously my therapist had advised her not to let me stay alone. It's not like I planned on attempting suicide again, you see how well that worked out the first time for me. I wasn't interested in traveling this road again. I took a deep breath, almost wanting to say something to fill the silence of the car but nothing left my lips, and frankly I didn't have the energy to even speak. I felt so drained and exhausted.

"Do you wanna get some food or anything?" Brooke was so nervous that I wanted to grab her and tell her that I was okay, that I was _trying_, but I couldn't. I couldn't even do that. So instead I shook my head.

Nathan:

I don't know what had woken me up so damn early but I'd spent the past hour trying to fall back to sleep, and there I was, still wide awake. Fuck it. I shoved the covers off of me and got out of bed, the cool air forced me into grabbing a tshirt to throw on. My eyes spotted a white piece of paper on the table beside the bed I grabbed a hold of it and there was Brooke's bubbly handwriting, "I'm off to pick up, Peyton. Be home soon. I love you!" I smiled and crumbled the paper up tossing it in the trash. I slowly headed towards the kitchen, my stomach confirming what I already knew. I needed some breakfast.

I spotted the suitcases and boxes by the front door, the only confirmation that Peyton was gonna be here soon. I couldn't even imagine the mess the girl was gonna be in, thoughts of Peyton brought me to thoughts of Lucas. Brooke had mentioned that he'd fled from the hospital like a bat out of hell, I thought about calling him but glanced at the clock and figured his ass would be passed out somewhere, so there went that thought. I heard Brooke's keys jingling on the outside of the door and I prepared myself for the different lives we we're all about to live.

Haley:

My hands gripped on the steering wheel as I made my usual trip to Lucas'. I'd begun to think that maybe he was becoming too dependent on these visits, but if I didn't go half the time the boy didn't eat or even leave the safety of his bed more than once or twice a day. I couldn't stand by and watch that. I pulled up to his house and got out of my car, I shoved the door open, knowing before I even tried that it would be unlocked. Another one of his brilliant habits, never locking the door. I walked in and fount the usual, his room was covered in clothes that had been there since the last time I cleaned everything up for him. It didn't piss me off, however, like it had in the past. It kind of made me sad. I was still not used to seeing this Lucas, even if I'd been dealing with him for close to a year now. It never got familiar.

I walked towards his bed and shoved him a couple times, "Lucas. LUCAS!" He opened his eyes blinking furiously up at me, "Haley, what the hell?" I pulled the covers back, "Come on, your getting up." I heard the cuss words flying out of his mouth, but I knew he'd get up. He knew the routine, he could argue with me all morning I wouldn't leave until his ass was out of bed. "I brought you some food." I picked up the paper bag and headed towards the kitchen. I knew he'd follow.

Brooke:

"I didn't even know what to do with myself, Nathan." I almost started to cry, tears were becoming a part of my routine lately, "She's my best friend and I didn't have a clue how to act around her. How sad is that?" He grabbed a hold of me and wrapped his arms around my waist, sometimes it still surprised me how he knew just what I needed, "Stop it. Your best friend just attempted suicide, how could you know how to act?" I was tired of talking, my head ached with all the effort and strain of the past week. I needed it all to go away so I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his lips toward mine and we collided. He responded quickly pulling me closer and pushing his lips against mine forcefully. God I loved him.

Haley:

Visiting Lucas was a routine, I got him out of bed, he would come into the kitchen and scarf down the food I brought him, we would sit in silence for awhile then he would get up and shower, and he'd come back with his usual, "Thanks for everything, Hales. But I've gotta go." I'd tried everything in the past, so instead of yelling or getting upset I would grab my purse and leave. He wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said, but I promised myself that no matter how heartbreaking the visits were I would continue. Nothing was different today, we both sat in silence. It was a little harder to stand today, all the silence was letting my mind wander to the past week so when he spoke I came close to jumping out of my chair.

"I've messed up, you know." I removed my gaze from the window and turned to him, my face obviously revealing what I was feeling, confusion. "When did it all get like this, Haley?" Lucas and I hadn't come this close to a conversation that was more than filler in months, I wasn't sure how to respond at first. "I don't know, Luke. I think we ignored it for awhile." He raked his hands through his hair and it all startled me, it was so _real_. Lucas was there in front of me, admitting what we've all known and been trying to explain for so long. "I'm gonna go take a shower." And then it was gone.

Nathan:

Brooke's arms were wrapped around me in an urgent grip, so I brought her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her waist and pushing my lips against hers forcefully meeting her motions. I needed her just as much as she needed me in that moment. God we we're good together.

Eight month's ago:

"I'm not good at _any_ of this, Brooke, I know I probably move too fast and I know I get everything wrong all the time, and I'll probably fuck it all up, but when I'm with you I can see myself becoming a better guy just by _standing_ in the same room with you, you make me want to _try_, Brooke." Little tears slipped out of her eyes, and I wanted to wipe them away but I didn't know how she'd react so I kept my hands at my sides. I made myself stop talking, stop moving, and I waited, she didn't say anything for the longest time and then she brushed the tears away and finally spoke "It's kind of funny, because sometimes I feel like I'm the one who's making all the mistakes."

I didn't waste any time, my lips we're crashing into hers before she had a chance to even think another thought. I've been guilty before of kissing girls to shut them up, I've kissed girls out of pity or for control, but when I kissed Brooke in that moment, the way we held each other, and tried so hard to feel every ounce of it, I wasn't trying to control anything or avoid anything or tease anything, It was love that kissed her.

I knew right then that I would never need anything else in my life, she had filled the void I didn't even realize was there. She completed me in a way I didn't think I'd ever needed in the first place, but here she was, making me feel things I never thought I could.

Brooke:

Eight month's ago:

"It's kind of funny, because sometimes I feel like I'm the one who's making all the mistakes." I meant it, how could I not feel that way sometimes? I didn't have the best track record behind me. But in that moment none of that really mattered, because I'd never needed someone in my life as much as I needed him. Sometimes we see the worst in ourselves, the most vulnerable versions of ourselves, but all we really need is someone else to get close enough to tell us we're wrong. Someone we trust. Everything I was feeling in that moment scared me in way's I would never began to be able to explain to anyone, including myself. I'd thought what I had with Lucas had been intense, but _this_? It was so much more than Lucas and I ever could of had. Nathan brought a whole different meaning to taking my breath away.

He was all I would ever need in life. I felt like I could take on anything with his hand in mine. It was undeniable, I was in love with this boy. _Completely_. I pulled my lips away from his and whispered, "You know I love you, right?" I felt him smiling and it brought a smile to my lips, "Of course I do, but I think it's safe to say I love you a little more." That was more than enough.

Lucas:

One year ago:

That horrible thing the world calls the phone started ringing at 12:01 am, I almost didn't grab it, assuming my mom would take the job upon herself, besides I was still too half asleep to even really care. It was the damn phone after all. I figured out that she wasn't picking it up after several rings, I picked it up my voice still heavy with sleep, "Hello?" I heard a deep voice on the other end began talking loudly, making my head start into a headache already, "Lucas Scott?" I cleared my voice a little, "Yeah, this is him." The other end was silent for a couple of seconds, "Mr. Scott, I'm calling about Karen Roe and Keith Scott. There's been an accident. Karen Roe was transported to the hospital about twenty minutes ago, Keith Scott however died at the scene." I think I might have gotten out a simple, "Okay." But no more than that before the phone was hung up and I was in the car driving to the hospital.

It didn't matter, I got there and the nightmare I would soon be forced into calling my life began, the day my world became _nothing_. It took seven words to end it all. "I'm sorry, we did everything we could." We all know what it means, universal for, sorry son but your mom's dead and your world's over. But look, I promise we did what we could to stop your world from ending, but it wasn't enough.


	6. What could it mean

I've been such a horrible girl for not updating sooner, but it was only 'cause I was awfully busy, and had no time to write. I'm not all that happy with this chapter.. but it's keeping things moving so I guess that's something. Its all flashbacks and the next 1-2 chapters will be too, just filling in the blanks. Oh and I got a message from someone asking me to tell the song titles/artists for the lyrics in the chapters, and my dear.. your wish is my command! Thanks for the reviews everyone.

* * *

Change came in disguise of revelation, set his soul on fire  
She says she always knew he'd come around  
And the decades disappear like sinking ships  
But we persevere, God gives us hope  
But we still fear what we don't know

_The Killers, "A dustland fairytale"_

Brooke:

One year and three weeks ago:

"Lucas, I want nothing more than to be in your life, _completely. _But you and I both know that's not what you want, and it probably never really was." I looked up at him, trying so hard to be strong and not let any tears fall from my eyes, tears that had been growing for the past month, the past month that led up to this moment, I knew I would eventually have to let go of Lucas, because as hard as it would be, there was no way around it, we weren't meant to last. I looked at him one last time before I walked out. I knew I had to make a quick exit or he'd start talking and I would lose it, right there in his bedroom.

Before I closed the door I heard his voice, pained, "Brooke, Wait." I didn't turn around. I couldn't, I'd spent too much time making sure this was the right thing to do. I knew in my heart no matter how badly it hurt that it _was_.

Haley:

One year ago:

I walked into Lucas' room that morning not sure of what I would find. There he was sitting on his bed, making the worst attempt to tie a tie that I'd ever seen. "Here, give it to me." He didn't hesitate, he just took it off and handed it over to me, I placed it around my neck and tied with ease, and then placed it back around his neck. I didn't ask him the overused questions, "Are you okay?" I knew in that moment words weren't needed. I just sat down next to him, and he knew I was there. After the longest period of silence I think the two of us have ever shared, I stood up slowly, "Come on, Luke." He got up slowly brushing at his suit absentmindedly, "You know, a week from today they we're getting married. Now I'm burying them." I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could, hoping with my whole heart that the closeness would melt all of his sorrow and grief away, making him whole again. "I won't leave your side, Luke."

I didn't pretend to know what he was going through, I didn't talk, telling him things I knew weren't true. I just let myself be there with him, I kept my arms wrapped around his body as if our lives depended on it. And in that moment his probably did. If you had asked me just a few days before if I pictured the week ending with my arms around my best friend as we walked towards the funeral to the two people in his life I didn't know how he could possibly begin to live with out, surrounded by people gathered around the cascat, their bodies covered in black. I never would have believed you. I somehow still don't.

Peyton:

One year ago:

I should have had all the right words to say to Luke, but I didn't. I was just as clueless as he was, and when I seen him sitting there, surrounded by everyone in their house? I felt even more clueless than usual. I made myself walk towards him. He stood up when he seen me, or maybe he didn't see me at all. But I wrapped my arms around him, almost scared to, I didn't want him to back away. He didn't. He grabbed a hold of me just as tightly and started to cry. "I'm so sorry, Luke." I wanted in that moment more than anything to take all of his pain upon myself, "I wish I could make it all go away." He backed away and looked at me in a way he never had, "Peyton, what do I do?" I didn't know how to answer him, I wanted so badly to have the right response, the one that would set his mind at ease and make him be able to get through all of this better than I was ever able to, but I didn't, so all I could say was, "I'll help you, I can promise that."

Lucas:

11 month's ago:

I'd never in my life felt the need to go for drugs, or drinking, or any of that. I was Lucas Scott, what need could I possibly have? It's funny how everything can change in the time it takes to get a phone call. I'd tried keeping it together for the past month but it wasn't working. They could all see it but they didn't know the extent. Peyton was trying so hard, it made me _want_ to get better for at the least, but I couldn't. So instead I grabbed my phone and made a phone call that before I even knew it, decided my fate. I talked to a guy about getting some drugs, something to make me _numb_, and there it was, I knew I could change my mind, be a normal person and work through it. But I didn't. I think a part of me didn't want too. Looking back I don't know if I made a mistake.

Peyton:

10 months ago:

Most people get the luck of going through life with one mom, or if they had two, they'd have seen it as a good thing. I didn't at first. Finding out my birth mother was alive should have been the best thing that could have happened to me, but it wasn't for the longest time. It changed everything, I couldn't wrap my mind around why my dad never told me, in the seventeen years of my life, how he never managed to mention to me, "Hey, you were adopted. Your birth mother? Yeah, she's still alive." I felt more betrayed than words can explain, and not only did I have to deal with the fact that my dad never felt the need to tell me all of these things, I had to deal with the fact that this woman, my _mother_, had decided to wait seventeen years to talk to me. It was too much at once and instead of running towards her, I pushed her away.

I regret that. Because now, here I am, going through the loss of a mom _again, _and I all I could think about was the fact that I pushed her away for so long. All of the time I _wasted, _I didn't know how to deal with that. But it was beginning to seem I didn't know how to deal with much of anything, because the oppisote was happening with Lucas in the past month, he was pushing me away, something he'd _never_ done. My whole world was falling apart.


End file.
